Always trying to live life in bliss, doing things for the vibe – trying the most to only focus on the good. All the while leading with my heart, wanting to spread some much needed love and maybe a little lost hope..🌻
Who am I?
My name is La-Lee. My background is of Bioanalysis and Biotechnology but my passion is creative art and writing.
I’ve had more than my fair share in heartbreaks, trauma and struggling with self-worth. Some wouldn’t believe the amount of struggles, burdens and pain I had to carry. Since childhood I’ve had to deal with projections and conditionings and early adolescent to adulthood just plain traumatic, life-altering and life threatening events that I decided to take as valuable lessons of life rather than becoming a victim of life. I’m finally at a place where I’ve done enough work on feeling, purging, releasing and healing all these hurt where I’ve come to find my unconditional love for myself as well as for others. I found the ability to forgive. Finally I’ve gained the self-love and the peace that I’ve always been writing in my journal dreaming to become and hoping to reach- where hopefully somewhere on this site you can find all of those too 🕊️.
Why I Write?
It was kind of like this:
It was so isolating. So depressing, so lonely and dark – the light in me could barely hold on and trying to find any kind of relief and hope was slowly slipping from my grasp.
However, the light inside me, the hope that still lingered within – felt somewhat at peace for the world. That not having enough resources available convinced me this was a good thing. That not enough people suffered or is suffering the pain that I’m going through, and that to me was a difficult form of relief. Because, good. No one should relate to me. To this shame. To this hurt. To this pain. But it wasn’t so good for me because now, I was in it alone.
In my time of healing and trying to research anything that I could relate to, it was such conflicting worlds because there wasn’t much resources that I could truly resonate with.
No community I could be a part of.
No role model to look up to.
I was just looking for something.
Someone.
Anything.
I was looking for another soul to truly feel and resonate with me, who walked my shame & have surpassed everything I was going through.
Who carried the same guilt as me and could truly take my hand and tell me it was going to be ok in the end, and what I’m going through now would only be temporary and at the end it would be truly worth it.
But there was no-one.
Because I realised somewhere down my healing path people didn’t like to share too much.
They like to show off and expose themselves in other ways, but when it came to being vulnerable
People would rather suffer in silence.
They too, were trying to find the answer – trying to find the same thing I was looking for.
But like me afraid to come out of the shadows and share with the world – their experiences, their hardships.
Afraid of judgement and criticism for the actions they took in their personal life – which led them down to a path to darkness, burdens and exhaustion.
I felt so alone in the shadows, in the darkness along with everyone carrying their own pain, their own trauma – it felt like irony was playing a joke on me as it truly did feel so isolating, lonely and demotivating.
There was no manual, no guide, no leaflet – no walkthrough to really walk me through step by step, where on some level to reassure me that I’ll be alright and I’ll be okay. There was just no guiding light to look up to.
The resources I had were very limited. I wanted something that could relate to me. Validate the emotions, the thought processes I was going through, but none ever hit.
The movies or shows that depicted what I went through/was going through – were horror movies, true crime or thrillers. None so comforting.
Majority were factual studies, crisis centres that didn’t explain how to cope emotionally, mentally, psychologically or even spiritually – they only redirected me to getting help from other resources.
It was an endless cycle.
But it was either seek professional help from people that probably only studied the experience and had never actually lived it, pay for decent resources or opt. for something widely available and given for free: suffer in silence.
I was as young as 7 – 10 years old going through some trauma, abuse and bullying – I had no money. I barely had the internet.
I relied heavily on songs and some movies. Then as I grew older and found a passion for reading and writing, I discovered poetry. I didn’t discover self-help or self-developing books until I reached mid 20s.
Most of the toughest experiences I had were from early adolescent years.
But still there wasn’t very many that I could get my hands on that I felt truly resonated to my core.
None that could make my chest take a deep breath and breathe out a sigh of relief and feel a sense of calm that was felt from the top of my body that would travel all the way down to my feet – releasing all sorts of tension (I found this is how you know if something hits you to your core – you feel it in your heart and brings a sense of peace throughout your body).
Now all grown up, with money and with modern day evolving there was actually a lot more available now. However, still none that could hit my core as I progressed in trying to cope with my life experience. I wasn’t even trying to heal yet.
I just wanted to cope.
I wanted to read something and see someone else on this Earth, is going through the exact same thing, I’m not alone.
See the studies, research and factual statements available wasn’t the same. It didn’t hit the same. You wanted someone who you could connect with, be present and experience your story with you and say I know, I see you, I feel for you and I hear you – I’ve also been through it, I know what you’re talking about.
Someone to truly understand you to your core.
Someone who could maybe walk with you, rather than just be someone on the outside, looking in – trying to understand your foreign pain.
You wanted someone to understand the depths of violation done to you, to truly validate what you were feeling because you were too busy trying to process, too focused trying to digest all the injustice, you didn’t have the strength to validate it yourself.
This was what I was looking for.
External validation that actually is healing for the heart instead of toxic to the mind.
Rarely were the resources I found online were from survivors and warriors themselves. People who were abused, bullied, betrayed, manipulated and taken advantage of – who survived their battles and won their internal war.
Those who were living in bliss and were able to tell the tale and be someone else’s guiding light.
Maybe others survived and didn’t want to share their stories, and that’s okay.
I understand.
Once healed, the versions of you that went through all that hardship, painful experiences, heartbreaks are no longer present.
You’ve laid them to rest, for all the versions of you who went through all that chaos deserve their peace.
So of course, you’d rather move on and finally enjoy life, to fully live life – no longer having to survive it.
I totally get it.
I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to open up faded memories you’ve had re-running in your mind constantly for eons of years. Memories that you have finally put aside where lessons have been learnt and can lay them to rest.
The relief of you never having to involuntarily AND voluntarily think about them. You no longer have to address them or talk about them.
I support you and I’m so happy for you.
I would much prefer you to do this.
But for me, because I was in that position of searching, yearning and wanting to be heard.
Wanting to be seen.
Wanting to be supported but got nothing but disappointments in return – I don’t want someone breaking to go through that.
I want my resources available, I want the lessons I have learnt to be shared, to be spread and I want to help just someone really going through it, almost losing hope and have accepted the depression, the sadness and the endless battle between themselves, fear and anxiety – even if it’s just one person.
I want someone to come across my posts.
My stories.
My words and to truly feel seen.
Feel heard.
And know that if I can overcome the depths of darkness life presents, overthrowing me sometimes and leading me into a place other than happiness
you can too 🕊️
Affirmations that have helped me throughout life:
All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this experience, only good will come.
It's only good from here.
If life brings you to it, it will bring you through it.
No more lessons, only blessings.
No more struggle, only good will come.
See below for some posts that may help with your self-love & healing journey 🌤️
This journey is not for the weak. It’s going to be tough. There’s going to be a lot of tears, a lot of stress and so many doubts, insecurities, fears and shadows unresolved screaming at you – but know that you’ve done the hardest part. You’ve already taken the first step and that is:
choosing yourself.
choosing better. for. your. self.
Maybe you’re already on this journey or wanting to start – and for this sole reason, I just want to tell you that you are so brave, and I commend you. You are admirable. And for this your paradise on earth will be much more beautiful and rewarding, for you deserve the world.
You deserve nothing but the good that comes during and after this journey. Have faith, and trust. Trust in the process.
Don’t forget to have patience and understanding. especially for yourself and towards yourself.
Keep going, I’m so proud of you, you can do this for you are so strong, much more than you give yourself credit for 🌻
I hope you become the best version of yourself you’re looking for and dreaming of..
Know that everything is within you. Trust your heart for it only wants to love you and give to you.
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I wish you so much love and luck
I hope you find the light you’re looking for..
Much Love
La-Lee
🧸
